Fuck me gently with a chainsaw, why is the film and television industry hellbent on destroying everything I care about in the world?

Wednesday the 16th of March, 2016, started off like any other day. The weather; reasonably alright and not shite, St. Patrick's Day preparations were well underway, and I logged on to Twitter to news that I've been dreading for a very long time.

Heathers, the glorious 1988 cult film about bitchy girls and murder, is getting a reboot. It's being turned into a television series in fact, a fucking anthology, just in case one series wasn't going to be painful enough to witness. It's joining the ranks of Carrie, Ghostbusters, The Craft, Cruel Intentions and American Psycho, in the land of perfect films that the film and television industry insists on attempting to improve because it's made of nothing but groups of unimaginative twats. I would like to think that anyone with an interest in reading what I have to say is smart enough to know that this reboot is a terrible, terrible idea, but in case you're an idiot, here's why it'll be awful.



First of all, you can't compete with the fact that the film is literal eighties perfection. The hair is big, the shoulder-pads are disgusting, and the music is stupidly dramatic and intense for a film set in a high school. Heathers does not deserve our great fashion, sleek hair, and it certainly doesn't deserve our obsession with technology and social media. The image of Veronica using an I-Pad to write about her murderous thoughts should not be searing itself into my eyeballs, yet it is. because I know that unfortunately, it'll soon become a reality. The Heathers will send bitchy tweets to each other, photos from the suicides will go viral and JD's suicide pact will take the form of an online petition. Heathers does not need to be exposed to our social-media obsessed world. By all means, make media that references cyber-bullying and the use of social media among young people, but at least make it original.

Not only that, but the basic bare bones of the storyline ie. JD and Veronica inflicting murder on classmates who've wronged them and making it appear like a suicide, and the ensuing obsession with suicide that grows among the student body, is not going to translate well when given the reboot treatment. The film is delightfully dark, but recent releases will suggest that the reboot is going to be more akin to Scream Queens. What was once an interesting social commentary on bullying, the herd mentality and the brutal class system of high school, is (probably) going to resemble a high school-set Scream Queens with stupid Whodunnits and campy yet gory murder scenes that will involve a different character being killed every week.

To finish off, the Heathers reboot will be awful because it's destroying and changing every single aspect of the orignal film, leaving it nothing but a shell of its former self that is only "Heathers" in name. From what I've read, they're changing everything, including the story, so the reboot is completely unnecessary, when they could have easily released an original series. Rebooting such a classic like Heathers is, like it has been with every recently announced reboot, unoriginal, tacky and shows that the film and television industry has truly run out of ideas.

It could have been great, it had Emily Blunt and Benicio del Toro, Rodger Deakins was the cinematographer, heck, it even had a cool score. "Sicario" could have been great, but it wasn't, and no, it wasn't the story, even though it didn't particularly grab me and it wasn't even the pacing, even though it was a bit off. The major issue with Denis Villeneuve's latest production is quite subtle really, it's something that I didn't actually notice until about halfway through the film when I realised that there was a complete lack of women.

Now I know what you're thinking, "but Emily Blunt's character? She kicks ass, in the trailer she has a gun and everything!", which is true. Emily Blunt's character Kate is an FBI agent tasked with assisting the CIA in taking down a Mexican drug cartel, and in the first few scenes of the film, it appears as if the character can really hold her own. The opening scene alone (which actually is quite cool) shows her leading a kidnapping raid. She's a cool character, but the problem is, she's basically the only truly fleshed out female character in the entire film. There are a few women dotted here and there, but only one of them speaks and when she does, it's for one scene. Now I've heard the argument against this, claims that there aren't many women in the FBI, and how women aren't that involved in the drug cartels. I will agree that there's probably very few high ranking women in the cartels, but there are female FBI and CIA agents so there's really no excuse for the fact that the film is a glorified sausage fest.

As if this wasn't bad enough, the one female character, ONE, is incredibly passive. The assertive and in control woman that we see in the first fifteen minutes is instantly replaced with a woman that stays in the car during an excursion to extract a prisoner. Kate *slight spoilers* basically spends the entire film being beaten down by the men around her. The most brutal scene occurs near the end, and involves Josh Brolin's character Matt kicking her to the ground and forcing her to stay down there, in a really uncomfortable scene that appears to slightly allude to rape in both its dialogue and action. It's completely unnecessary and only added to the discomfort and dislike that I felt whilst watching the film.

Watching "Sicario" served to remind me of a highly prevalent issue within Hollywood, which is its complete lack of opportunity for women both in front and behind the camera. Yes, most films produced nowadays are conscious of this fact, and greater effort is being made, but it's not enough. Female characters still fall into various stereotypes, and anytime that we are offered what is meant to be a "strong female character" she is either completely dehumanised and devoid of emotion, or else really isn't that "strong" at all.

Shut up!

lil shit

The teen film genre is iconic. Its films have been utilised as almost guidebooks by most pre-teens and teenagers, offering them an often unrealistic glimpse into teenage life, and the relationships, parties, sex and drugs that apparently come with it. Now I can't say that my teenage years have adhered strictly to the formula presented to us by teen films, I highly doubt that anyone can truly say that really. Amazing Project X-esque parties and finding your future husband/wife when you're fifteen is not very common in real life. However, iconic films such as Clueless, Mean Girls and 10 Things I Hate About You are salivated over by people of all ages, endlessly quoted and referenced no matter how old they are. For example, Clueless has just recently celebrated its 20th anniversary, yet remains as current and inspirational in 2015 as it was in 1995. Teen films often adhere to specific ideology and tropes. There are always cliques, school dances, the bitchy popular girls and the geeks. Story lines revolve around losing virginity, becoming the most popular girl in school and finding the love of your life. Everyone has a car, there's parties every weekend and high schools shell out potentially thousands of dollars on elaborately themed school dances.

Now when one thinks of a teen film, they think Mean Girls, Clueless, She's All That, Bring It On and almost all of John Hughes' filmography to name a few. The American Pie films will be mentioned, someone will drool over Cher's wardrobe and almost inevitably "she doesn't even go here" or "you go Glen Coco!" will be yelled enthusiastically. However in this post I will write about a few films which would be regularly forgotten about or not mentioned at all in regards to the teen film genre, but I feel, wholeheartedly belong within it.


One of my life-long missions, alongside becoming a well-known director and winning an Oscar, is introducing the wonder of Heathers to as many people as possible. Not many people can say that they've watched the 1988 cult film, which is a pity because of how truly brilliant it is. Starring Winona Ryder and Christian Slater, Heathers tells the story of a girl called Veronica, who struggles to fit in with the popular clique, a group of three girls, all named Heather. After meeting a guy called Jason Dean, they begin to reject and fool around with the school's strict social structure by killing the popular teenagers. The film deals with social structure, the attitude towards teenage suicide and how people react to and recklessly follow trends, which I feel is still insanely topical for this day and age. As well as that, it is insanely quotable, which upsets me because I know so few people who have seen it. Not many films nowadays could get away with gems such as "fuck me gently with a chainsaw, do I look like Mother Teresa?", "are we going to Prom or to Hell?" and "whether to kill yourself or not is one of the most important decisions a teenager can make". My dream is for this unreal film to someday become as popular and quoted as Mean Girls. That probably won't happen but I can still hope. Bonus points as well for the perfection that is eighties Winona Ryder.